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For full functionality of this site it is necessary to enable JavaScript. Here are the instructions how to enable JavaScript in your web browser. Yunus was big and hairy and was only wearing a towel. Actually, it wasn't even a towel, more like a large dishcloth, and it was doing a pretty poor job of containing the gigantic lump of meat that was Yunus. When a half-naked Turkish man gives you an order, it pays to obey, so I sat and looked up just in time to see Yunus dump a huge bucket of hot water over my head.

I find them interesting as a window into a culture, I just don't enjoy them.

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For me, they're places of sweat and embarrassment, of faux pas and confusion. The main problem is I never know what I'm doing.

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Every country's bathhouses seem to have a strict and unwritten set of rules regarding practice and etiquette. First-time visitors have to interpret those rules as quickly as possible - usually without the benefit of being able to talk to anyone.

It's led to some fairly impressive acts of folly of my behalf. By submitting your email you are agreeing to Fairfax Media's terms and conditions and privacy policy. Sitting in a sauna for 10 minutes, swatting myself with a birch branch like a true professional, before it was pointed out that the heat wasn't even turned on.


Walking into the bathhouse with my swimmers on, attempting to step straight into a bath without showering. My twin mistakes were made obvious by the stares of fellow bathers. And Turkey.

See, my meeting with Yunus wasn't my first trip to a hamam. A few days earlier, I'd decided to visit a year-old Istanbul bathhouse to see what all the fuss was about.

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Excessive years of practice aren't always a sign something's good - people have been playing golf for centuries - but I figured those ancient Turks knew what they were up to. Confusion reigned from the beginning.

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I took a punt and removed all my clothes, tied a towel around my waist and headed into the sauna, a circular slab of hot marble strewn with the sweating torsos of Turkish bathers. Maybe I'll just sit here My plan of attack was now simple: lie there until someone told me what to do. Ten minutes later I felt a tap on my toes and a towel-wearing Turkish man was motioning me over to the edge.

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I lay. Satisfied with my position, he commenced the traditional hamam service, a process of skin buffing and soaping followed by some serious muscle pummelling, eventually giving up on barking orders and just rearranging my body parts as necessary.

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Time to roll over? He'd reach across, grab my arm and pull it towards him until I got the gist.

As usual, it was all such an uncomfortably bizarre experience that I forgot to enjoy it. I walked out a little confused, a little sweaty and with soap in my ears. But for some reason, I also had new resolve.

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I had to leave Turkey for political reasons. I just survived the last one. I lost everything in Turkey.

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