I find them interesting as a window into a culture, I just don't enjoy them.
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For me, they're places of sweat and embarrassment, of faux pas and confusion. The main problem is I never know what I'm doing.
Every country's bathhouses seem to have a strict and unwritten set of rules regarding practice and etiquette. First-time visitors have to interpret those rules as quickly as possible - usually without the benefit of being able to talk to anyone.
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Walking into the bathhouse with my swimmers on, attempting to step straight into a bath without showering. My twin mistakes were made obvious by the stares of fellow bathers. And Turkey.
See, my meeting with Yunus wasn't my first trip to a hamam. A few days earlier, I'd decided to visit a year-old Istanbul bathhouse to see what all the fuss was about.
Excessive years of practice aren't always a sign something's good - people have been playing golf for centuries - but I figured those ancient Turks knew what they were up to. Confusion reigned from the beginning.
I took a punt and removed all my clothes, tied a towel around my waist and headed into the sauna, a circular slab of hot marble strewn with the sweating torsos of Turkish bathers. Maybe I'll just sit here My plan of attack was now simple: lie there until someone told me what to do. Ten minutes later I felt a tap on my toes and a towel-wearing Turkish man was motioning me over to the edge.
I lay. Satisfied with my position, he commenced the traditional hamam service, a process of skin buffing and soaping followed by some serious muscle pummelling, eventually giving up on barking orders and just rearranging my body parts as necessary.
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Time to roll over? He'd reach across, grab my arm and pull it towards him until I got the gist.
As usual, it was all such an uncomfortably bizarre experience that I forgot to enjoy it. I walked out a little confused, a little sweaty and with soap in my ears. But for some reason, I also had new resolve.
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I had to leave Turkey for political reasons. I just survived the last one. I lost everything in Turkey.
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